A robber breaks into a home and hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Startled, he asks, "Who said that?"
Again, the voice says, "Jesus is watching you."
The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, "Cornelius."
The robber asks, "Who names a parrot 'Cornelius'?"
The parrot replies, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus."
Source: Comedy Central
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
One Wish Only
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. Then, they get to meet their maker, and - because of the grief they have experienced - he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first woman for a wish. She said, "I want to be gorgeous."
God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second woman in line hears this and said, "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only 10 people left, this guy is rolling on the floor and laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and said, "Make 'em all ugly again".
They're all lined up, and God asks the first woman for a wish. She said, "I want to be gorgeous."
God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second woman in line hears this and said, "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only 10 people left, this guy is rolling on the floor and laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and said, "Make 'em all ugly again".
Monday, September 10, 2007
Spelling To Get Into Heaven
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello, how are you? We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia ."
Moral of the story:
Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!
Written by Unknown Author
She saw a beautiful banquet table Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello, how are you? We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia ."
Moral of the story:
Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!
Written by Unknown Author
Friday, August 10, 2007
The Little Girl and The Wrinkles
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?"
Source: Comedy Central
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?"
Source: Comedy Central
Monday, February 13, 2006
The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven
Being someone who hired many taxis over the years, I understand the following joke so well:
The worst is when the taxi driver doesn't know the way to your destination. That's when you really start praying, especially if you rent the taxi at night.
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay,we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."
St. Peter responded, "matter-of-factly: this is heaven and, up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
Source: Comedy Central
The worst is when the taxi driver doesn't know the way to your destination. That's when you really start praying, especially if you rent the taxi at night.
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